The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

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Evil Prevails
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Evil Prevails » Sun Apr 03, 2016 1:40 am

Are you going to meet at the top of the Space Needle?
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Neclord » Sun Apr 03, 2016 2:04 am

I think it costs like $15 to go to the top, maybe at the bottom and we can just picture being up there.
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LadyStranger
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by LadyStranger » Sun Apr 03, 2016 4:39 am

Quite-Gone Genie wrote:Every once in a while I like to get drunk and browse dating profiles in my area, despite not having a profile myself. I set the age range between 28 and 32.

Some observations:
Awful lot of single moms in my area
A lot of people look older than 32
Majority are sick of being "pumped and dumped"
Majority are grossly overweight
Goddamn these women need to get someone with a good camera to take photos of them
"NOT LOOKING FOR A RANDOM HOOK UP" sure, I believe you
Online dating is fun but also so sad. I feel like most guys don't know how to take decent pictures of themselves. thus, group photos. All you really need for a good photo is open eyes and a smile. That's hard for... a lot of people.

One of my mom's rental tenants checked out my profile today. He's cute butttttt that would be way too weird...
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Sun Apr 03, 2016 4:52 am

LadyStranger wrote:
Online dating is fun but also so sad. I feel like most guys don't know how to take decent pictures of themselves. thus, group photos. All you really need for a good photo is open eyes and a smile. That's hard for... a lot of people.

One of my mom's rental tenants checked out my profile today. He's cute butttttt that would be way too weird...
Yeah, I'd say I was pretty depressed after scrolling through pages and pages of lonely souls.
"So, you see, he was condemned to walk in darkness a quadrillion kilometres (we've adopted the metric system, you know)..."
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Sun Apr 03, 2016 5:08 am

Also, I haven't met a "new" woman in 9 years. That's a third of my life. Goddamn.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by LadyStranger » Fri Apr 08, 2016 4:07 am

Someone high up in my office is having an affair with a fellow coworker of mine. I saw them together in public at a restaurant, they didn't see me - and I witnessed them walking together alone in the back parking lot together, very closely. I know of this scandal and I have almost nobody in my office I can confide it in. One of the people in this affair was rumored to be in an affair with someone else high up many years ago. soooo juicy...
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Trip » Fri Apr 08, 2016 7:16 am

blackmail
Please TRIP and Die
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by The Guy in the Trenchcoat » Sun Apr 10, 2016 7:42 pm

So, I created an okcupid account. I know. That sounds vaguely healthy and normal. Horribly out of character for me. Anyway, after answering a few question, they send me an email mapping out in which states and countries I had the best matches. Why would you ever tell me that? I don't live in Nebraska. I don't live in Belgium. Why would I ever want to know how much better I'd be doing if I lived in Northern Europe?
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The Last Baron
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by The Last Baron » Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:11 pm

Okcupid is in bed with Big Travel
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Evil Prevails » Sun Apr 10, 2016 8:44 pm

You know that trivago guy is smashing hoes on Tinder like nobody's business.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Sun Apr 17, 2016 6:30 am

Evil Prevails wrote:You know that trivago guy is smashing hoes on Tinder like nobody's business.
Must be that 11-o'clock shadow.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by snapper » Sat Apr 23, 2016 1:36 pm

i have an xtube now and my latest video was called 35 Shots of Cum
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TWEET1 | TWEET2 | FACE | BOXD | TUMBL1 | TUMBL2
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by The Last Baron » Fri Apr 29, 2016 10:35 pm

Finally got to talking with a girl on Tinder and we've already figured out it's not gonna work even before going on a date, good story
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Eminence Grise » Fri Apr 29, 2016 10:47 pm

The Last Baron wrote:Finally got to talking with a girl on Tinder and we've already figured out it's not gonna work even before going on a date, good story
Almost as good as the continued plot of 35 Shots of Cum. I mean, will there be 36? Seriously....
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by The Last Baron » Sat Apr 30, 2016 12:45 am

I haven't been keeping a tally but we can call tonight 36
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Eminence Grise » Sat Apr 30, 2016 1:15 am

The Last Baron wrote:I haven't been keeping a tally but we can call tonight 36
Well it has to be on xtube to be official, you know. :shifty:
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by The Last Baron » Fri May 13, 2016 6:45 pm

Maybe xtube is my way to dates because I begin to suspect looking 10 years behind my age isn't doing me any favors on the dating apps
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Fri May 27, 2016 2:51 am

So the ex who wants to bang is in town and is going to meet me at Starbucks in 10 minutes, presumably for a non-bang date. I'll let you know how it goes.
"So, you see, he was condemned to walk in darkness a quadrillion kilometres (we've adopted the metric system, you know)..."
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Evil Prevails » Fri May 27, 2016 2:55 am

You better fucking bang her, dude. Or at least get some mouth action.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Fri May 27, 2016 7:42 am

Got tons of groping and an outdoor blowjob. Better than I expected.
"So, you see, he was condemned to walk in darkness a quadrillion kilometres (we've adopted the metric system, you know)..."
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Evil Prevails » Sat May 28, 2016 12:40 am

Image
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Sat May 28, 2016 1:22 am

I'll give some more details now that I'm sober and at a computer. I got to the Starbucks about 15 minutes early and got my drink. She was a few minutes late and we headed to the outdoor seats. We talked for an hour and a half about how life had gone in the 12 years since we had last seen each other, with a few awkward silences here and there. She had only intended to talk for an hour but I convinced her to walk to a nearby bar and have a few drinks (since we were both underage when we dated). She bought the drinks, which were two Fuzzy Nipples and a Blue Moon for me. We didn't stay long because it was karaoke night and the crowd was much older than us. We walked to a nearby locals casino bar where I've become a bit of a regular and I ordered two gin martinis. She was already getting handsy after the first two drinks and the martini put her over. She accidentally spilled some of my martini so she ordered us both a Manhattan. I was definitely starting to feel it but she was having trouble talking. I walked her home and we made out and fondled each other the entire way there. Thankfully she lives near the edge of town where it's dark and there isn't a bunch of road traffic. We got to the path that runs behind the neighborhood where there's a strip of grass and periodic benches along the way. I had her shirt pulled up and was sucking on her. She unzipped my pants and started blowing me. I didn't finish and we didn't do anything after that, and I walked her to her street and said goodbye. Honestly it went much better than expected, probably a top 10 night for me. Mars was in Scorpius and shining brightly in the dark suburban sky. I feel bad for her fiance but what am I gonna do?
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Stu » Sat May 28, 2016 3:25 pm

Sin City indeed, am I right? :shifty:
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Philosophe rouge » Fri Jun 03, 2016 5:23 pm

What did you order at starbucks though?
Everything around me is evaporating. My whole life, my memories, my imagination and its contents, my personality - it's all evaporating. I continuously feel that I was someone else, that I felt something else, that I thought something else. What I'm attending here is a show with another set. And the show I'm attending is myself. Fernando Pessoa

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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Philosophe rouge » Fri Jun 03, 2016 5:24 pm

really sexy story though, would read again 10/10
Everything around me is evaporating. My whole life, my memories, my imagination and its contents, my personality - it's all evaporating. I continuously feel that I was someone else, that I felt something else, that I thought something else. What I'm attending here is a show with another set. And the show I'm attending is myself. Fernando Pessoa

Live. Laugh. Love. - Freddy Krueger
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Fri Jun 03, 2016 11:22 pm

Philosophe rouge wrote:What did you order at starbucks though?
Caffe Mocha, Venti.
"So, you see, he was condemned to walk in darkness a quadrillion kilometres (we've adopted the metric system, you know)..."
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Evil Prevails » Sat Jun 04, 2016 12:06 am

Man, I'm really impressed she still sucked your dick after seeing you order that.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Sat Jun 04, 2016 12:28 am

Evil Prevails wrote:Man, I'm really impressed she still sucked your dick after seeing you order that.
I ordered it before she got there. Unless you're talking about the alcohol. A Martini and a Manhattan? Fuck youuuu.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Evil Prevails » Sat Jun 04, 2016 1:03 am

Definitely the cafe mocha, that is not a sexy man beverage. Good job getting it in beforehand.

Martini is a little suspect as well though, I know, I know, Winston Churchill and all that, but I bet if we took a bartender poll not a lot of dudes order them anymore.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Evil Prevails » Sat Jun 04, 2016 1:03 am

Also, you should have got a Boulevardier, they're so in right now.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by The Guy in the Trenchcoat » Sat Jun 04, 2016 5:37 am

I'm drinking wine and thinking about messaging someone on okcupid. That is what constitutes progress for me.

Edit: This one girl has seven different hair colors in her pictures. She's the hair color badass Rogue wishes she was.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Neclord » Sat Jun 04, 2016 5:59 am

Real men drink IPAs IPAs and only IPAs
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Neclord » Sat Jun 04, 2016 5:59 am

+ whiskey
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Ace » Sat Jun 04, 2016 6:02 am

That sounds like a bitter pill to swallow.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by The Nameless One » Sat Jun 04, 2016 7:15 pm

Neclord wrote:Real men drink IPAs IPAs and only IPAs
Circa 2014. Now we have white ipa, black ipa, red ipa, India session ale, india pale lager, double ipa, triple ipa... that whole flavor body has been mined

It's all about the saison and the growing trend of adding hops to anything which isn't an ipa, such as cider (VERY successful).
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by The Nameless One » Sat Jun 04, 2016 7:18 pm

Evil Prevails wrote:Martini is a little suspect as well though, I know, I know, Winston Churchill and all that, but I bet if we took a bartender poll not a lot of dudes order them anymore.
I will contest this. Martini is not exactly manly, but perfectly balanced in it's gender. Everyone can look sharp as Stan (yes, that Stan) with a martini in hand
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Evil Prevails » Sat Jun 04, 2016 7:36 pm

The Nameless One wrote:India session ale
Ugh, don't even get me started.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by The Nameless One » Sat Jun 04, 2016 8:01 pm

Evil Prevails wrote:
Ugh, don't even get me started.
They had me briefly excited but, ya, watered down IPA
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Philosophe rouge » Wed Jun 08, 2016 11:32 pm

venti mokas are only worthwhile iced, because u get an extra shot for the same price.
Everything around me is evaporating. My whole life, my memories, my imagination and its contents, my personality - it's all evaporating. I continuously feel that I was someone else, that I felt something else, that I thought something else. What I'm attending here is a show with another set. And the show I'm attending is myself. Fernando Pessoa

Live. Laugh. Love. - Freddy Krueger
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Fri Jun 10, 2016 3:12 am

My crazy ex just sent me a text telling me she got married last Friday. The poor bastard.
"So, you see, he was condemned to walk in darkness a quadrillion kilometres (we've adopted the metric system, you know)..."
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by LadyStranger » Fri Jun 10, 2016 4:44 am

Poor bastard... but... he maybe gets blowjobs in the park too.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Fri Jun 10, 2016 4:45 am

LadyStranger wrote:Poor bastard... but... he maybe gets blowjobs in the park too.
Different ex, but maybe.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by LadyStranger » Fri Jun 10, 2016 5:10 am

Quite-Gone Genie wrote: Different ex, but maybe.
... too many crazy exes.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Fri Jun 10, 2016 5:10 am

LadyStranger wrote: ... too many crazy exes.
Only one is crazy!
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by The Guy in the Trenchcoat » Fri Jun 10, 2016 5:32 am

Quite-Gone Genie wrote:My crazy ex just sent me a text telling me she got married last Friday.
I know what direction this is heading. Or different type of crazy?
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Fri Jun 10, 2016 5:41 am

The Guy in the Trenchcoat wrote: I know what direction this is heading. Or different type of crazy?
Last year she wanted me go to her state and pretend to be one of her old friends or relatives so we could fuck without raising her fiance's suspicions. Pretty terrible idea really.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Ace » Fri Jun 10, 2016 3:37 pm

But you did it right?
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Smoke Bomb » Fri Jun 10, 2016 6:01 pm

I reconnected with an old acquaintance at a friends birthday party a few months ago and we've been in frequent enough contact since, she went to one of my shows the other week and seemed interested enough in me. I'm considering asking her out and seeing where it goes if anywhere. Any advice on approaching this since I'm functionally hapless in regards to interacting with women?
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Quite-Gone Genie » Fri Jun 10, 2016 7:40 pm

Ace wrote:But you did it right?
Nah mang this dude would probably kill me.
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Re: The Sex & Relationship Advice Thread

Post by Stu » Fri Jun 10, 2016 8:40 pm

Quite-Gone Genie wrote: Nah mang this dude would probably kill me.
'Roid rager type?
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