Films i Saw Last Month From Crappiest to Greatest

[Rump]

OK Time to play catch up...

December, January, February and March

128th

Guardians of the Tomb (2018)
An innocent discovery of a well-preserved mummified Emperor from 200 BC China unearths a 2000-year-old nightmare - a secret that should have remained buried. As a team of scientists who lose a colleague in an ancient labyrinth, the motley crew must work together to recover him while trying to make the discovery of a century. In their quest they find themselves underground, battling ancient, terrifying Chinese magic and making their way through a swarm of deadly, man-eating spiders - only to uncover the secret behind the insects' power and intelligence.
1/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TGOK-O8_-gs

Tedious, dull and monotonous seem to be the three main offers. Yup, a perfect trio of words to summarise this garbage, an absurdly monumental waste of Australian and Chinese finances. - rottentomatoes

[Rump]

127th

Death To Smoochy (2002)
Fired in disgrace, kids show host Randolph Smiley finds himself out on the street, while his replacement Sheldon Mopes, finds himself on the fast track to success with a new hit show as the proud purple rhino Smoochy. But things take a turn for the worst when Sheldon finds out that some of the people that he works with, and some he doesn't know he's working for, are all in it for the money. Meanwhile, Randolph is slowly turning insane with his only thoughts focusing on killing Smoochy and getting back to his life of luxury.
2/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tX81TTs2poI

I'm sure that some country, maybe France or something, will hail this as a work of genius, because it is so incredibly awful. - rottentomatoes

[Rump]

126th

Invaders From Mars (1986)
In this remake of the classic 50s SF tale, a boy tries to stop an invasion of his town by aliens who take over the the minds of his parents, his least-liked schoolteacher and other townspeople. With the aid of the school nurse the boy enlists the aid of the U.S. Marines.
2/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBBdJVr_8kE

"Marines have no qualms about killing Martians, son" is my favourite line of dialogue from this movie - rottentomatoes

[Rump]

125th

Fear Chamber (1968)
A scientist notices strange frequencies coming from within the Earth. He and his assistants discover a living rock underneath a volcano. They bring the rock to their lab, and discover that it needs the hormones that are produced by humans when they are fearful in order to survive. They then abduct and sacrifice young girls to keep the living rock alive.
3/10
Clip = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hom11xO5ONQ

A truly horrible movie, with no production quality whatsoever and Boris is immensely wasted in a small role as a scientist who conveniently becomes bedridden before the movie kicks into sadistic gear. - IMDB

[Hank]

I haven't had the pleasure of seeing the first on your list... but have seen the others at some point. I barely remember anything about them. I saw Death to Smoochy in the theaters and haven't watched it since. I had a friend at the time who thought it was really good... I don't talk to him anymore. Not sure if those two things are related, but have a feeling it's not a coincidence.

[Rump]

124th

Rabid Grannies (1988)
Two elderly sisters invite their wonderful nieces and nephews to a dinner party in celebration of the sisters’ upcoming birthdays. The one nephew who is not invited is the ostracized black sheep of the family whose devil-worshipping activities have resulted in his being removed from the sisters’ inheritance. The rest of the guests are merely putting in time; they’re really just waiting for their aunts to kick the bucket, leaving them amply endowed via their respective inheritances. But, the nephew sends a party gift that turns the scene into a frolic of the macabre: the aunts turn cannibal and attempt to eat their guests…
3/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o8EJj69EQQ0

I just filmed myself watching this for the first time. Go to my channel to see my reaction lol - Youtube
And i just filmed myself balls deep in yo sister. Go to my channel to see my reaction lol - Youtube

[Rump]

I haven't had the pleasure of seeing the first on your list... but have seen the others at some point. I barely remember anything about them. I saw Death to Smoochy in the theaters and haven't watched it since. I had a friend at the time who thought it was really good... I don't talk to him anymore. Not sure if those two things are related, but have a feeling it's not a coincidence.

I didn't even finish it to be honest

[Rump]

123rd

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 (1990)
A female reporter investigates the death of a woman who, on fire, leapt off of a building to her death. Her investigation leads her to discover the existence of a strange cult dedicated Egyptan god Isis--and the cult wants her as its new queen.
3/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akf-m7LmPjU

This is yet another awful entry, and it seems the series keeps on going, the more awful the films become. This is yet another bad sequel to a series that never should have happened. - Rottentomatoes

[Rump]

122nd

Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann (1982)
When a motorcycle racer accidentally uses his bike as a time machine, he finds himself riding into the western frontier of the 19th century and must stay alert if he is not to become a victim of ruthless outlaws.
3/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJGm76S-0xw

Watching this really made me wonder if Zemeckis took a bigass leaf out of its book. - Rottentomatoes

[Wooley]

Finally, fuck!
The best thread from RT's triumphant return.

[Wooley]

126th

Invaders From Mars (1986)
In this remake of the classic 50s SF tale, a boy tries to stop an invasion of his town by aliens who take over the the minds of his parents, his least-liked schoolteacher and other townspeople. With the aid of the school nurse the boy enlists the aid of the U.S. Marines.
2/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBBdJVr_8kE

"Marines have no qualms about killing Martians, son" is my favourite line of dialogue from this movie - rottentomatoes

Wow, 2/10, I enjoyed this movie, probably would have gone as high as 7 on it. Maybe I'm French.

[Wooley]

123rd

Silent Night, Deadly Night 4 (1990)
A female reporter investigates the death of a woman who, on fire, leapt off of a building to her death. Her investigation leads her to discover the existence of a strange cult dedicated Egyptan god Isis--and the cult wants her as its new queen.
3/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=akf-m7LmPjU

This is yet another awful entry, and in seems the series keeps on going, the more awful the films become. This is yet another bad sequel to a series that never should have happened. - Rottentomatoes

I kinda feel like I might watch this just to see how they get to a naked woman in a meat locker.

[Wooley]

122nd

Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann (1982)
When a motorcycle racer accidentally uses his bike as a time machine, he finds himself riding into the western frontier of the 19th century and must stay alert if he is not to become a victim of ruthless outlaws.
3/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJGm76S-0xw

Watching this really made me wonder if Zemeckis took a bigass leaf out of its book. - Rottentomatoes

Whoa.
Just, whoa.
This will not stand.

[Rump]

121st

The Curse of Robert the Doll (2016)
Emily Barker is a cash strapped student trying to make money as a cleaner working nights at the East Falls Museum. But her peaceful graveyard shift turns into a time of terror when she is plagued by the sound of footsteps in empty corridors and mysterious vandalism throughout the building. Emily suspects that one of the exhibits, a creepy vintage doll named Robert, is alive and wreaking havoc after hours. Her reports to the head of security and the museum owner go unheeded. But when members of the night staff turn up dead in sinister circumstances, Emily knows the doll is responsible for the bloodshed. But a local police detective points the finger of suspicion at Emily and she finds herself the prime suspect in the investigation. Can she convince everyone of the truth behind the murders and clear her name? Or will she too fall victim to the Curse of Robert the Doll?
3/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N3S69pKhKRI



More like The Curse of Willem Defoe?

[Wooley]

Bet you're gonna give Black Moon Rising like a 4/10 now too.

[Rump]

Whoa.
Just, whoa.
This will not stand.

Hey we all love Burt Ward but a movie with 50% of moto-crossing visuals gets tiresome

[Rump]

I kinda feel like I might watch this just to see how they get to a naked woman in a meat locker.

If i remember correctly... drugs

[Rump]

Wow, 2/10, I enjoyed this movie, probably would have gone as high as 7 on it. Maybe I'm French.

But it was like made for children?

[Rump]

Bet you're gonna give Black Moon Rising like a 4/10 now too.

I shall watch it this month for you, i do have Beyond the Rising Moon (1987) to watch too oddly

[Takoma1]

But it was like made for children?

I think that Death to Smoochy was made to appeal to a dark humor for adults who hated the hyper-chipper children's shows of the 90s like Barney.

[Captain Terror]

I was unreasonably excited to see this thread pop up this morning. "Our long national nightmare is over."
But 128 movies in 4 months? Weak!

[Captain Terror]

I think that Death to Smoochy was made to appeal to a dark humor for adults who hated the hyper-chipper children's shows of the 90s like Barney.

I saw this at the theater and thought it was funny, but have since spent the past 15 years hearing about how terrible it is. I didn't like it enough to rewatch it, necessarily, so I don't know. Maybe I was just in a good mood that day.

[Rump]

I think that Death to Smoochy was made to appeal to a dark humor for adults who hated the hyper-chipper children's shows of the 90s like Barney.

Oh Tak.. i was on about Invaders From Mars

[Rump]

I was unreasonably excited to see this thread pop up this morning. "Our long national nightmare is over."
But 128 movies in 4 months? Weak!

I'm going on memory, i didn't write any down as RT was gone

[Rump]

120th

Trader Hornee (1970)
Hamilton Hornee searches for a missing child who was kidnapped 15 years ago. His expedition encounters hostile natives led by a great white goddess, whose identity is integral to the story. This sets the stage for erotic action between men and women, and women and women.
3/10
Clip = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DIToA1dDwGQ

After barely 20 minutes or so, the film has little else to offer but sheer boredom and forced chuckles - IMDB

[Death Proof]

122nd

Timerider: The Adventure of Lyle Swann (1982)
When a motorcycle racer accidentally uses his bike as a time machine, he finds himself riding into the western frontier of the 19th century and must stay alert if he is not to become a victim of ruthless outlaws.
3/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJGm76S-0xw

Watching this really made me wonder if Zemeckis took a bigass leaf out of its book. - Rottentomatoes

Eat a dick. Timerider is one of my favorite movies.

[Death Proof]

Whoa.
Just, whoa.
This will not stand.

This guy gets it.

I say we hold down Rump and beat him. With our penises.

And fists.

But mostly penises.

[Rump]

119th

Blue Demon (2004)
Blue Demon concerns a shark experiment gone horribly wrong. As the film begins, scientists are attempting to train killer sharks to patrol the waters for any terrorist or would-be enemy. The sharks eventually escape thanks to some nefarious planning and begin to turn against the people they were trained to protect.
3/10
Clip = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2VZq41ZMPug

Yeah.. this blew alright

[Wooley]

Hey we all love Burt Ward but a movie with 50% of moto-crossing visuals gets tiresome

Burt Ward played Robin.
Fred Ward, Peter Coyote, Robert Masur (everybody loves him), LQ Jones, a time-traveling motorcycle, I mean, c'mon man!

[Wooley]

I think that Death to Smoochy was made to appeal to a dark humor for adults who hated the hyper-chipper children's shows of the 90s like Barney.

I think he was talking about Invaders From Mars.

[Rump]

This guy gets it.

I say we hold down Rump and beat him. With our penises.

And fists.

But mostly penises.

C'mon guys... you both saw this film when you were like 7

[Rump]

118th

Crooked House (2017)
In this classic Agatha Christie detective story, former diplomat Charles Hayward has returned from Cairo to London to become a private detective. When Aristide Leonides, a wealthy and ruthless tycoon, is poisoned in his own bed, Detective Hayward is invited to solve the crime. As the investigation deepens he must confront the shocking realization that one of the key suspects is Aristede's beautiful granddaughter, his employer and former lover; and must keep a clear head to navigate the sultry Sophia and the rest of her hostile family.
4/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwTYh5BHH5A

Sooooo boring... all i remember was the most unexpected ending

[Rump]

117th

Bright (2017)
In Los Angeles, humans live with orcs and elves in a world where fantasy creatures do exist. LAPD police officer Dayl Ward is the first human cop having the orc police officer Nick Jakoby as a partner. When Ward is shot by an orc and Jakoby does not capture the shooter, he questions whether Jakoby lets the fellow orc escape. During a patrol, Ward and Jakoby arrest a man that tells that there is a prophecy and Ward is blessed. Meanwhile, Internal Affairs press Ward to find the truth about the escape of the shooter so that they can fire Jakoby. The magic department of the FBI interrogates the man that belongs to the terrorist Shield of Light group which protects brights so that they can prepare for the return of the Dark Lord that will destroy the world. Ward and Jakoby are summoned to attend a disturbance and they stumble upon a Shield of Light safe-house where they arrest the elf Tikka and bag her magic wand. Soon they learn that Tikka is hunted down by the evil and powerful rogue elf.
4/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EZCBSsBxko

In "Bright" humanity is as ugly and careless as the filmmakers. - rottentomatoes

[Rump]

116th

Devils Tree: Rooted Evil (2018)
Devil's Tree: Rooted Evil is about an aspiring journalist named Sam who finds a Tree with a very dark history. As her own past has demons that continue to haunt her, she eventually finds out what haunts this ominous Tree. Loosely based on real events, the actual Tree still stands today. This film takes you on a ride out of the realm of fantasy and into the realm of true Evil.
4/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n7ROX-PDs7A

I can tell this is gonna be a shitty one - youtube

[Rump]

115th

What Waits Below (1984)
The U.S. government has been using deep caves in Central America as bases for a special type of radio transmitter used for communicating with submaries. When the signal from one of these transmitters suddenly disappears, a team of soldiers and cave specialists is sent in to find out what happened. After some exploring deep underground, they stumble upon a tribe of albino cave dwellers who have been isolated from the rest of the world for thousands of years.
4/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sWUuUIGoZRI

In terms of plot, mid '80s subterranean horror/adventure What Waits Below is a lot like Neil Marshall's The Descent (2005), both films revolving around a group of speleologists running into trouble when the cavern that they are exploring turns out to be home to a race of savage underground humanoids. In execution, however, the two films couldn't be more different...
Where The Descent is an expertly crafted white-knuckle thrill ride that delivers cool cannibalistic creatures guaranteed to scare the bejeezuz out of the viewer, What Waits Below is a plodding cheeze-fest that offers up slimy hand-puppet snake monsters and laughable albinos with silly haircuts. - IMDB

[Jinnistan]

I think that Death to Smoochy was made to appeal to a dark humor for adults who hated the hyper-chipper children's shows of the 90s like Barney.

Lest we not forget, Smoochie (the Barney stand-in) is the protagonist of the film after all.

No, the film is more of a skewering of the crass commercialization of these children's commodities (putting the mafia behind it all is a telling touch). I think that Edward Norton's Smoochie is closer to Blue's Clues Steve Burns, someone with the purest intentions which happen to be incompatible with the industry.

Anyway, the film is great, you all suck, and it's at least better than goddamn Bright.

[Apex Predator]

Lest we not forget, Smoochie (the Barney stand-in) is the protagonist of the film after all.

No, the film is more of a skewering of the crass commercialization of these children's commodities (putting the mafia behind it all is a telling touch). I think that Edward Norton's Smoochie is closer to Blue's Clues Steve Burns, someone with the purest intentions which happen to be incompatible with the industry.

Anyway, the film is great, you all suck, and it's at least better than goddamn Bright.

Yes, put me down as another that enjoyed the dark humor of the songs and generally the comedy. Although we won't talk about that thing with Catherine Keener's character about two thirds of the way in (did a way better job going after the same thing with Bad Santa).

I guess I'm part French?

[Takoma1]

Oh Tak.. i was on about Invaders From Mars

That makes a lot more sense. I was like "Why would someone think this was a kids' movie?".

EDIT: But also I am on Spring Break (woo!) and therefore too lazy to scroll up and see the origin of the original comment.

[Jinnistan]

too lazy.

trans: durnk

[Wooley]

C'mon guys... you both saw this film when you were like 7

Nah, man, I was at least 12, maybe 13. And I saw it a LOT.

[Wooley]

117th

Bright (2017)
In Los Angeles, humans live with orcs and elves in a world where fantasy creatures do exist. LAPD police officer Dayl Ward is the first human cop having the orc police officer Nick Jakoby as a partner. When Ward is shot by an orc and Jakoby does not capture the shooter, he questions whether Jakoby lets the fellow orc escape. During a patrol, Ward and Jakoby arrest a man that tells that there is a prophecy and Ward is blessed. Meanwhile, Internal Affairs press Ward to find the truth about the escape of the shooter so that they can fire Jakoby. The magic department of the FBI interrogates the man that belongs to the terrorist Shield of Light group which protects brights so that they can prepare for the return of the Dark Lord that will destroy the world. Ward and Jakoby are summoned to attend a disturbance and they stumble upon a Shield of Light safe-house where they arrest the elf Tikka and bag her magic wand. Soon they learn that Tikka is hunted down by the evil and powerful rogue elf.
4/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6EZCBSsBxko

In "Bright" humanity is as ugly and careless as the filmmakers. - rottentomatoes

Wow. You are the first person I've talked to who actually saw this. Wow. Well, good for you man, somebody had to do it.

[Death Proof]

Wow. You are the first person I've talked to who actually saw this. Wow. Well, good for you man, somebody had to do it.

Weird... I know a lot of people who watched it. (myself included)

I thought it was decent. Would have liked to have seen more of the other races (centaurs, dragons, etc.) but I liked it. 7/10

[Death Proof]

Nah, man, I was at least 12, maybe 13. And I saw it a LOT.

[Rump]

114th

Shadow Puppets (2007)
A woman and a man awake in individual white cells in an abandoned prison or mental institution wearing only underwear and without any memory. They hear a strange and creepy noise and decide to look for a way out of the facility. They meet six other strangers in the same situation and one of them is attacked and killed by a shadow. While trying to escape from the place and the shadow, they find the brain washing apparatus with the indication that had been used eight times. When they meet the ninth stranger, they realize that one of them is lying and knows what have happened with them.
4/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bj1OfwHePas

This movie kinda makes me wanna pop a babies balloon or kick over a sandcastle - youtube

[Rump]

113th

The Devonsville Terror (1983)
Dr. Worley investigates a 300-year-old witch's curse in the New England town of Devonsville. Three liberated, assertive women move into town, which angers the bigoted, male-dominated town fathers. One of the women is a reincarnation of the witch, who proceeds to exact revenge on the town males.
4/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOSYAy6IR_U

The climax is pretty cool actually, a low budget take on the ending of Raiders of the lost ark, but it's frankly hell getting there. - letterboxd

[Rump]

112th

The Evil Below (1989)
A down-on-his-luck sea captain goes treasure hunting for a wrecked Spanish galleon that is rumored to be cursed by God and protected by supernatural forces.
4/10
Watch it free on youtube = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-zMTQ1_bPzU
This movie is not a horror movie by an stretch of the imagination, the cover of the videotape made it out to be one. Instead it is a thriller type movie. Today we learned a valuable lesson, never rent a movie based on its cover art. - IMDB

[Rump]

111th

Escape to Athena (1979)
During World War II, the prisoners of a German camp on a Greek island are trying to escape. They don't want only their freedom, but they also seek for an ineffable treasure hidden in a monastery at the top of the island's mountain.
4/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NQeaAsN7yo0
Good old 60s/70s war movies! where the good guys can get into any Nazi base by wearing stolen uniforms (that always fit) - youtube

[Rump]

110th

Jingle all the Way (1996)
Meet Howard Langston, a salesman for a mattress company is constantly busy at his job, and he also constantly disappoints his son, after he misses his son's karate exposition, he tries hard to come up with a way to make it up to him, this is when his son tells Howard that he wants for Christmas is an action figure of his son's television hero, Turbo Man. Unfortunately for Howard, it is Christmas Eve, and every store is sold out of Turbo Man figures, now Howard must travel all over town and compete with everybody else including a mail man named Myron to find a Turbo Man action figure, and to make it to the Wintertainment parade which will feature Turbo Man.
4/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JuPc9QJcGJs
You'll need an awful lot of Christmas cheer to forgive Arnold Schwarzenegger for his fourth, and hopefully last, venture into comedy, a turkey that needs stuffing on the most inaccessible shelf of your local video store. - IMDB

[Rump]

109th

Mommy (1995)
An unofficial "sequel" to "The Bad Seed", Patty McCormack's "Mommy" is psychotically obsessed with her 12-year-old daughter Jessica Ann -- so much so that when she finds out Jessica didn't get the "Student of the Year" award again, she solves the problem by murdering the teacher who didn't recommend her for it. She dismisses the killing as inconsequential ("a minor accident"), but the homicide detective assigned to the case suspects her immediately, and an insurance investigator who also suspects her tries to get close to Jessica Ann to find out what really happened.
5/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMvZgr6mo0g

There are some "so bad their good" moments to be had, but overall pretty bad

[Rump]

108th

Eye in the Sky (2007)
With the nickname Piggy, a new recruit is mentored by Dog-Head, while undergoing on-job training while tracking down a gang of well organized armed heist robbers. The police use the surveillance cameras trying to track their identities.
5/10
Trailer = https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQy_zqlaLDY

Typical dying-to-be-cool-&-exciting crime flick that is boring & annoying actually, No subtlety, no insight, no characterization, No nothing. - rottentomatoes